


Coconut Bras And Getting Lei'd

by casey270



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Crack and Coconuts, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-11
Updated: 2013-05-11
Packaged: 2017-12-11 11:44:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/798383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casey270/pseuds/casey270
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A day on a tropical beach turns into a competition</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coconut Bras And Getting Lei'd

**Author's Note:**

> Cross posting old fic. This one was from 10/2010

Tropical islands, warm sea breezes, killer sunsets; it should be paradise, right? So how the hell did he end up in a coconut bra and a grass skirt? A grass skirt that didn’t want to cover his ass. His ass that people were always saying didn’t exist.

 

The rum punch that they’ve been drinking all day might have something to do with how defensive he’s feeling about his tiny tooshie, but damn it, it’s time to take a stand. He usually just goes along with the jokes, but, fuck it all, he’s just not in the mood for it tonight. He likes his ass just the way it is, thank you very much.

 

It’s bad enough that he let himself be talked into this stupid grass skirt contest, even though he totally has a better body than Monte, but now he’s feeling like he has to defend his ass against verbal attacks from the dancers. Everybody knows dancers have great asses. It’s because of the dancing or some shit like that.

 

And just how did the girls talk them into agreeing that only the men would be competing in this contest. How is it objectification for females to be judged while wearing these ridiculous castoffs from some third rate porno island film, but Cam, Sasha and Brooke feel comfortable judging anyone with a dick who’s wearing them? Damn, he’s really getting defensive, but it’s his ass on the line here.

 

He’s seriously gonna sneak up on Neil sometime and coldcock the little bastard. He’s the one that started this whole thing. Doug might have been the one to start talking about wanting to see someone dressed up like a wet dream in this ridiculous outfit, but when Neil started in on Adam about never in the history of fucking ever has anyone dressed as badly for the beach as Adam insists on dressing, Cam put two and two together and came up with this ridiculous competition. She said it was a way to get Adam out of those hideous aqua things he liked to wear and teach the men a lesson about what it’s like to be a girl at the same time. Shit, he feels like he’s in a Glee episode.

 

Once the challenge was out there, the girls had gone off to decide how this fucked up pissing contest was gonna go down. The Penis Posse-- and thank you very much, Neil, for that mordacious attempt at patronization-- had spent the better part of the day looking for Hollywood’s idea of typical island girl wear. But even that isn’t as hard to find as he thought it would be, or, more to the point, should be. Seems like tourists in all shapes and sizes like to buy these things when they lose their inhibitions on vacation.

 

When they meet again on the beach, because, fuck it all, this humiliation couldn’t take place in the privacy of one of their rooms, could it, Brooke lets them know what the rules are. The girls have picked categories. The three of them will decide who wins each category. Once someone wins a category, they’re awarded a lei and are out of the competition for the other categories.

 

First up is best overall, and he’s not surprised when it takes no time for a unanimous decision to be announced. Sutan wins, of course. Dude’s got it all going on, even he can see that. While he and Monte and Doug and Isaac and Neil had been busy drinking enough rum flavored courage to be able to do this thing, someone had apparently been using the time to get ready. Sutan has the hair, the makeup, the poses, and the look. And even Tommy has to admit that he looks damn hot as he walks up to the girls to get lei’d.

 

Next up is best presentation of attitude, and Adam has it all the way. No one’s ever been able to give attitude like Adam can. Everyone might want to fuck him, but when he’s all HBIC no one wants to fuck with him, Tommy reasons. He doesn’t have a problem with how things are shaking out so far.

When Terrance wins for best moves, Tommy just rolls his eyes. Of course one of the dancers would win that. But then Taylor gets best ingénue, and Tommy thinks he might have had a good chance at that one, but whatever.

Next it’s Doug’s turn to win for best comedic portrayal. Nope, he’s not even gonna try and argue about that one. Doug positively gushes when he goes up to get lei’d.

Monte’s starting to feel the effects of the day’s many fruit flavored rum drinks, and starts trying to hurry things along. He’s promptly named most intimidating, which surprisingly brings a smile to his face. After Sasha lays the lei in place, Tommy almost thinks Monte’s gonna make an acceptance speech. But he just goes back and picks up his drink with the colorful little umbrella instead.

 

Tommy’s glad Neil wins the next one, because who the hell wants the title of most uncooperative, anyway? Neil seems pleased with himself, though, so Tommy guesses he’s happy for him.

 

So, now here they are, almost out of contest, thank fuck, and only him and Isaac left without an award. He knows something’s up when he sees Cam’s smirk. Then he hears what the category is, and damn, he wants it. He’s got just as good of a chance of winning best tiny ass as Isaac does. Tommy chances a glance at Isaac, who’s having as much trouble keeping anything covered as Tommy is, and thinks that while Isaac may have more curvature, Tommy has better ass dimples. Ass dimples have to count for something, right? Good thing they’d all decided to skip anything under these damn itchy things they were wearing--seriously, he thinks he’s breaking out in a rash from his coconut bra--because how would anyone know how cute his dimples were otherwise.

 

But it comes down to a split decision, and Tommy can’t help but think it was planned that way from the start. Cam goes with Isaac’s superior roundness, and Sasha winks when she says she likes dimples, so she votes for Tommy. Tommy might be blushing, but he’s proud enough to strut right up to Sasha and plant a big, wet kiss right on her lips. Everyone looks at Brooke to see how this is gonna end, and all she can do is shrug her shoulders and say she can’t pick between them, so they’ll both get lei’d for it.

 

Tommy’s not gonna give up without a fight, though. He’s surprised by how much he wants this, and he’s ready to defend the honor of his ass. He talks some of the others into joining the judging, with the noticeable exceptions of Monte who just waves them away with a casual no way, man, and Neil, who lets everyone know that there’s no way in hell he’s gonna study Tommy’s hairy ass. Tommy’s just a little offended, because he doesn’t think his ass is any hairier than Isaac’s, but he respects Neil’s decision. Taylor is disqualified from the judging because…well just because. Taylor just won the damn ingénue award, and Tommy and Isaac both decide that it would be creepy as hell involving him in this.

So first Terrance comes up to take a closer look at their asses. Tommy almost protests his vote going to Isaac, because how the hell is it fair when the drummer totally shook his booty for Terrance?

 

But Doug’s up next, and Tommy knows he’ll be absolutely impartial when he votes for Tommy. Doug makes a bigger show of checking things out than Tommy thought he would, but when he announces he’s going with Tommy, he breathes a sigh of relief.

 

Next up is Sutan, and Tommy has no idea how he’s likely to vote. But it turns out Sutan has no idea either when he announces he likes them both, but for different reasons.

 

That leaves everything up to Adam. Tommy thinks he has an in with Adam, but he knows the boss has to be impartial. He doesn’t think it’s cheating when he gives Adam his patented stage look, the one that’s a cross between ‘come fuck me’ and a little lost puppy. He might have even tried to purr when Adam was checking out his ass.

 

He’s not really surprised when Adam puts his arm across Tommy’s shoulders and says, “Sorry, Isaac, but I gotta go with Tommy Joe on this. I know what his ass feels like, and it feels really good. But you should totally win for best sport.”

 

Tommy’s just about to go up and get his award when Adam takes the ring of flowers out of Sasha’s hands and tells everyone that they’re gonna go somewhere more private to get Tommy lei’d. As Adam pulls him away from the group and towards the hotel Tommy just has time to grab his plastic cup with the pretty pink parasol.


End file.
